Making Money with Sex: Difficult trade-offs, still my choice

Published on 4 November 2020

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The camp

I was having yet another sleepless night. I had never realized what insomnia was until I had to face it myself. For a myriad of reasons I was anxious almost all the time - endless asylum procedures, being far away from my close friends, dealing with people of diverse backgrounds and nationalities day in and day out, having to stick to a limited amount of money to live off every week. I am a refugee and back then I was living in an AZC – a Dutch Asylum-Seekers’ Center. The location of the camp, an only semi-inhabited village, did not help in lowering my stress levels either. There was little to do but wait until our asylum claims got processed and trust me, this could take an exceptionally long time!

On nights where my anxiety prevented me from falling asleep, I would spend hours on my phone hopping from one screen to another. Sometimes I would try to a find a hook-up or someone to spend the night with, perhaps there I could even get some better sleep. It was rather rare to find someone nearby on dating apps. The area was mostly inhabited by elderly people and farm-owning families, so finding someone to play out my sexual fantasies was quite an endeavor – and a hassle.

An incident

It was about 2 a.m. when a notification popped-up on my screen. A group of guys was having a home party only 500 meters away! I was surprised and excited at the same time. It seemed too good to be true and I wanted to ignore it and move on, but my curiosity was strong. I got dressed and went to see what a group sex party in this old empty village would look like – maybe I could fulfil another fantasy.

Arriving there, I found four guys. Two of them were having sex, one of them was on his phone looking for more people, and the fourth was staring at me while touching his unaroused dick and asking me to get naked. I soon noticed that everyone was high on drugs, or drunk, as somehow nobody was fully “present”. I was offered some drugs to get in the mood and it did not take long to realize that staying there would not be a good idea. For one, I was not doing any drugs and was not planning to start that night. Then, I was tired, and anyway these guys were not really my type.

As I was about to leave, one the of the men approached me and started asking questions about my life. I was in a low mood that night again, so talking to someone felt good and we started chatting. I told him everything. Why I came to the Netherlands, what my gay life had been like in the Middle East, the problems I faced, and the fact that I was once in jail simply for being gay. Then the conversation moved on to my daily life at the AZC and the struggles of living in a confined space with people from so many different backgrounds and sharing with them daily duties, from kitchens to showers and toilets. Against this backdrop, the weekly allowance was little and hardly enough for food.

The guy was high and that made him react emotionally to my story - I could see tears in his eyes. He started hugging and kissing me and mentioning that he will always be on my side! I took that with a grain of salt and made a move to leave after a while. He then mentioned that he would have loved it if I stayed and passed 20 euros to me. As I was holding that money, baffled as to what was happening at that moment, he added another 20, and another, and yet another, until I had 80 euros in my hands. He did not say it explicitly, but the implication was clear - I was being offered money to stay naked at this sex party, in hopes that I would get in the mood and have sex with them. The idea of that was stressful to me and I insisted on leaving. He said he would have driven me back if he were not high, and that I could use the money he gave me to call a taxi. So, I did. I took the money and left.

For someone getting 50 euros a week from the refugee camp, 80 euros in less than two hours was a significant amount of money. I was confused with what had just happened. It was the first time in my life someone offered me money to spend time together - and I was content about that. I felt more secure for a while. I could now buy myself a warm jacket, or rain boots, or even sleep better because I had enough food. When I arrived back to my room thoughts kept coming and going through my head. Thoughts of how I could take a little more advantage of being young, handsome, and middle eastern, which for reasons beyond me people seemed to like! Maybe by offering massages, cuddling, or even by satisfying their sexual fantasies. I needed money, and out of an unexpected encounter, all these options seemed to be on table.

The start

The days were passing by and, in tune with my belief that everything happens for a reason, I met with an old friend at a refugee LGBT party. While we were chatting, he showed me a website that he was using to advertise himself for paid sex. I think he did not take it very seriously and just wanted to make some money on the side. For me, though, that was the spark for a different story that lasts to this day. I went back home, started my own profile on the same website, and my journey began.

Nevertheless, being a refugee awaiting a decision, this was an accessible way to make money - and probably some easy money, I imagined.

To be honest, I did not consider it as my long-term profession either. Nevertheless, being a refugee awaiting a decision, this was an accessible way to make money - and probably some easy money, I imagined.

At first, my profile was rather basic. I did not have the money to get sexy professional pictures like others had, or to pay for a premium profile, and so I would not receive a lot of client requests. I remember my first customer wanted a naked massage only. I was doubting whether I should go or not because the guy was far from me and he could have just been a faker. I had to risk it though, otherwise all the energy I had spent on setting up my profile and getting used to the idea of having sex for money would have been time wasted. Luckily, he was honest. I gave him a massage and, inexperienced as I was, he loved it! I could feel his enjoyment, his renewed energy – he even came without touching himself! At the same time, I must confess I was nervous. Stressful thoughts kept circling and I could hear my heart beating in my ears. Am I doing the right thing? What if the police catch me? Is this even legal? As my client went to the shower, I dressed up and prepared to leave. I was so nervous that I did not even ask for my money. I went towards the door and as he noticed I was about to leave he called me and gave me the money. He thanked me and smiled. Suddenly, the butterflies in my stomach vanished! I left the building relieved, happy, and headed to the nearest supermarket to buy some nice food. Back in my room I shared what happened with my diary, curled up in my bed, and fell asleep.

There is the good and there is the bad

With each new client I became more experienced. I met people who loved my energy, my body, and, well, my cock. I enjoyed entering their homes, understanding their lives, getting to know their secrets, and seeing the smiles on their faces for the time we spent together. Seeing people offering me money to meet, get to know each other, or have sex, helped me in rebuilding my self-esteem, gave me financial security, and personal confidence. Having spent years under the control of family, society, and traditions, I felt like an independent person for the first time in my life. I started embracing what I was doing more and more, especially after meeting others who did sex work in my AZC neighborhood. I found a lot of support, motivation, and respect from people close to me and clients alike.

People love having sex and people love making money. Combining the two may sound enviable but making money through sex for the past couple years has been challenging to me in multiple ways.

Doing sex work, as I got accustomed to call it, is actual work and it involves a lot of physical and emotional labor. When it is your main, or only, source of income you do it even if you are not in the mood for it, or if you do not really fancy your clients. Let alone when a client decides to be an entitled prick and treat you disrespectfully because they “pay you so you should do this or that”. Then, there is a growing trend in the gay scene of combining sex with taking strong drugs. I receive a lot of such requests and I find it often difficult to navigate them, especially since I do not do drugs on my own. Managing your clients during those dates without crossing your own boundaries, while also tending to their drug-infused fantasies, can be hard work.

I have also noticed that my work makes it hard, sometimes impossible, for me to sustain long and meaningful relationships with my partners and some of my friends. Not everyone is willing to accept you for who you are. For example, I experienced a lot of rejection when I shared my story about sex work with a few of my friends from more traditional societies. My current boyfriend is somewhat accepting of what I do but also feels kind of jealous knowing that I have sex with other guys. What did not help is that for some time I had lost my interest in sex. Having sex with a client can involve a lot acting, as for many of them it is important to feel they can please you too, and in my case that continuous acting numbed my desire for sex.

A bottom line

I guess what I want to say with all this is that, yes, I earn a good living through sex work, but I have to give up things that most people take for granted – like sharing with everyone what I really do for a living. At the end of the day, what matters is whether I am happy with myself or not, and, so far, the answer is yes - I can weather the negative aspects I have shared with you. Would I consider this to be my career? I do not know. Specific circumstances require specific actions, and in this circumstance of my life sex work was that action. I do not know what tomorrow will bring, but today I am content calling myself a sex worker!

HappyTimes

HappyTimes is a dreamer! Next to his day job, he has been doing sex work for over a year to ensure financial security and to save for his plan to study in the Netherlands. He likes getting attention and seeks it in all forms.